What to say when your child is frustrated

Frustration is the hot, stuck feeling when something won’t work and a child can’t get past it. The toy won’t fit, the drawing won’t come out right, and suddenly the whole body is tight with it. It’s easy to catch a child’s frustration and heat up ourselves, or to leap in and fix the thing. A steadier presence helps more than either.

What to say in the moment

• Name it: “This is so frustrating. It won’t do what you want.” A named feeling loosens its grip a little.
• Stay cool yourself: your calm is the thing a child borrows first. If you don’t catch fire, the flames have less to feed on.
• Offer a pause, not a rescue: “Let’s leave it a minute and come back.” A small break lets the stuck feeling settle so the child can try again, rather than having it done for them.

The idea underneath

Marcus Aurelius noticed that a lot of our upset comes less from the thing itself than from how we’re seeing it.

The jammed puzzle piece isn’t the whole trouble. “This is impossible and I’m useless at it” is the part that stings, and that part can shift. Without pretending the puzzle is easy, we help them hold it by a handle they can carry: “this is tricky, and I can try again in a minute.” Same puzzle, lighter grip. That’s the heart of The Two Handles, a Stoic Sprout story about choosing how we hold the things that won’t go our way.

Mark Fitzgerald · Founder of Stoic Sprout

Mark made Stoic Sprout as a dad in Melbourne, for his own young children, with calm stories drawn from the real Stoic philosophers. More about Mark →

Stoic Sprout builds calm and character. It isn't therapy or medical advice. If your child is struggling in a way that worries you, please talk to your GP or another professional.