When your child loses something they love

The favourite cup breaks. The special shell is lost at the beach. The balloon drifts off over the fence. To an adult these are small. To a child they can be genuine grief, and how we meet that grief teaches them something about loving things at all.

What to say in the moment

• Let it matter: “That was so special to you, and now it’s broken. I’m sad about it too.” Grieving with your child, briefly, tells them the feeling is right.
• Skip “it was only…”: “it was only a cup” is meant to comfort, but it lands as “your love was foolish.” It wasn’t. The cup mattered because they loved it.
• Don’t rush the replacement: a new one can come later. Offered too fast, it can feel like the feeling is being papered over rather than understood.

The idea underneath

Epictetus taught something tender about this, and he used a cup to do it. When you love something, he said, remind yourself what kind of thing it is, beginning with the smallest. If you love a clay cup, remember that it is a clay cup, so that if it breaks, you can bear it.

That sounds cold until you sit with it. He isn’t saying love things less. He’s saying love them clearly: know that what we love is fragile, and love it anyway. The knowing is what lets us bear the breaking without deciding the love was a mistake.

For a child, this is quieter still. They stay close to the beloved cup; the harder truth about all fragile things is for the grown-up to carry. What the child takes away is permission to be sad, and a small steadiness underneath it.

The words to keep

“Some special things can break.”

That’s The Clay Cup, a Stoic Sprout story about loving something honestly, and choosing one small good thing after a loss.

Mark Fitzgerald · Founder of Stoic Sprout

Mark made Stoic Sprout as a dad in Melbourne, for his own young children, with calm stories drawn from the real Stoic philosophers. More about Mark →

Stoic Sprout builds calm and character. It isn't therapy or medical advice. If your child is struggling in a way that worries you, please talk to your GP or another professional.