What to say when your child is afraid to try

Some children hang back from anything new. The pool, the bike, the first day of a club. Underneath the “I don’t want to” is often a quieter worry: what if I’m no good at it, what if I fail in front of everyone. Pushing harder tends to make a nervous child dig in. There’s a warmer way to help them step forward.

What to say in the moment

• Name the fear kindly: “It feels scary because it’s new. That makes sense.” A child who feels understood has more room to be brave.
• Shrink the first step: “You don’t have to swim. Just sit on the edge and put your feet in.” A giant leap frightens. A tiny step invites.
• Praise the trying, not the result: “You gave it a go. That took courage.” Aim your pride at the brave step itself, so trying feels worth doing again.

The idea underneath

Marcus Aurelius reminded himself, on the hard days, that he was built to meet whatever the day brought.

A child carries more than they think. New things feel too big because they haven’t met them yet. Most of the time they can handle far more than the newness makes them feel. When we let a child take a small step and discover they were equal to it, the next step gets easier. Bit by bit, they learn a quiet trust in themselves: that they can meet a new thing and be alright. That trust is worth far more than any one success.

Mark Fitzgerald · Founder of Stoic Sprout

Mark made Stoic Sprout as a dad in Melbourne, for his own young children, with calm stories drawn from the real Stoic philosophers. More about Mark →

Stoic Sprout builds calm and character. It isn't therapy or medical advice. If your child is struggling in a way that worries you, please talk to your GP or another professional.