How to help a perfectionist child

Some children are their own harshest critics. The drawing gets crumpled because a line went wrong. The homework gets torn up over one mistake. “It has to be perfect” sounds like high standards, and underneath it is usually fear: that being good enough depends on being flawless. That’s a heavy load for a small person.

What to say in the moment

• Separate them from the work: “The drawing isn’t going how you want. That’s frustrating.” The child is not the mistake. Keep the two apart in how you speak.
• Praise effort and progress: “Look how much better your tree looks than last month.” Aim their pride at growth, which never runs out, rather than perfection, which can’t be reached.
• Show them your own mistakes: cook a wonky pancake and eat it happily. Let them watch you get something wrong and stay cheerful. This teaches more than any pep talk.

The idea underneath

The Stoics had an image that lifts the weight right off a child, and it came from the stage. Epictetus said each of us is an actor handed a part to play. Your job is to play your part well. You don’t get to control the whole play.

A child doesn’t have to be perfect. They have to do their part as well as they can, and that is a thing they can do. The rest, whether the picture turns out flawless, whether they win the prize, was never fully theirs to command. Doing your part well is enough, and it’s the only bit anyone can promise. A perfectionist child, handed back only the part that’s theirs, can finally set the impossible part down. That’s the heart of The Archer, a Stoic Sprout story about trying your best when the result is out of your hands.

Mark Fitzgerald · Founder of Stoic Sprout

Mark made Stoic Sprout as a dad in Melbourne, for his own young children, with calm stories drawn from the real Stoic philosophers. More about Mark →

Stoic Sprout builds calm and character. It isn't therapy or medical advice. If your child is struggling in a way that worries you, please talk to your GP or another professional.