For parents · What to say when...
What to say when your child compares themselves to others
Short answer: Don't dismiss it with "don't compare yourself". Name the sting, then gently turn their attention from the other child back to their own effort and growth. What someone else has or can do isn't in their hands. Their own next step is. A child who learns to run their own race is far harder to unsettle than one always glancing sideways.
“She’s better than me.” “He’s got a nicer one.” “Everyone can do it except me.” The comparing starts young, and it can eat away at a happy child. Told to stop comparing, a child does it more quietly. The steadier help is to meet the feeling, then turn their eyes gently back to their own path.
What to say in the moment
- Name the sting: “It doesn’t feel nice to think someone’s ahead of you.” Being understood settles a child faster than being corrected.
- Turn them toward their own growth: “Look how much better your reading is than last term.” Their pride belongs on their own progress. That’s theirs to keep, and a race with someone else never is.
- Keep your own comparing quiet: children hear us measure ourselves against other adults. The less they see it, the less they learn it.
The idea underneath
Marcus Aurelius noticed how much peace there is in minding your own conduct instead of everyone else’s.
From the Stoics
How much trouble he avoids who does not look to see what his neighbour says or does or thinks, but only to what he does himself.
The other child’s bike, marks, or medals aren’t in your child’s hands. Their own effort and their own kindness are. A child forever glancing sideways never feels they’ve done enough, because there’s always someone ahead. A child learning to ask “did I do my best?” has an answer they can be proud of, one that doesn’t depend on beating anyone. That quiet turn inward is one of the calmest habits we can pass on.
Mark made Stoic Sprout as a dad in Melbourne, for his own young children, with calm stories drawn from the real Stoic philosophers. More about Mark →
Small stories for big feelings.
Calm tales from the real Stoic philosophers, with a phrase your child can keep. A few are free to try.