For parents · What to say when...
What to say when siblings fight
Short answer: Resist becoming judge and jury. Step in for safety, but for the ordinary squabbles, name both feelings and hand the problem back ("You both want the same thing. What could we do?"). Teaching children to repair with each other builds a bond that outlasts the fight. The goal is a working relationship between them, not a verdict from you.
Two children, one toy, and a household that suddenly sounds like a courtroom. Sibling squabbles wear parents down partly because we feel we have to solve each one. We work out who started it and hand down a fair ruling. That job is exhausting, and it often makes things worse. The children learn to run to you rather than to each other.
What to say in the moment
- Keep them safe first: hurting stops immediately, every time. That line is not up for debate.
- Name both sides, take neither: “You both wanted the red cup. That’s a hard one.” Being a fair witness calms faster than being a judge.
- Hand the problem back: “What could we do so you both get a turn?” Children who are trusted to solve it slowly learn how, and the skill is theirs for life.
The idea underneath
Marcus Aurelius wrote that people are built to work together, and he pictured it in the body.
From the Stoics
We are made for cooperation, like feet, like hands, like eyelids.
Two hands don’t compete. They work the same task from different sides. Siblings won’t always feel like that, and they shouldn’t have to pretend to. But under the squabble is a pair who will know each other longer than they know almost anyone. When we help them repair a small fight rather than win it, we’re teaching them how to be two hands again. That is a gift that lasts long after the red cup is forgotten.
Mark made Stoic Sprout as a dad in Melbourne, for his own young children, with calm stories drawn from the real Stoic philosophers. More about Mark →
Small stories for big feelings.
Calm tales from the real Stoic philosophers, with a phrase your child can keep. A few are free to try.