For parents · What to say when...
What to say when another child is unkind to yours
Short answer: Comfort first, and be clear the unkindness wasn't their fault. Then, once they're steady, help them answer it without passing it on. A child can stand up for themselves and still refuse to become mean back, and that difference is worth teaching young. Real cruelty or bullying always needs an adult.
When another child is cruel to yours, something fierce rises in you. You want to fix it and confront someone and make it right. Underneath that, your child needs two things from you: to be comforted, and to be helped to stay themselves. The order matters.
What to say in the moment
- Comfort before anything: “That was unkind, and it wasn’t your fault. I’m sorry it happened.” A hurt child needs to feel safe before they can think.
- Don’t feed the fire: as tempting as it is to call the other child a horrible name, watching a parent rage teaches a child that meanness answers meanness. Stay warm and steady.
- Help them keep their shape: “You don’t have to be unkind back, and you don’t have to just take it. You can say ‘stop, I don’t like that,’ and walk away.” Standing up and sinking down are both within reach. Help them find the first.
The idea underneath
Marcus Aurelius, who dealt with plenty of difficult people, wrote himself a short rule for it.
From the Stoics
The best way of avenging thyself is not to become like the wrong-doer.
A child can’t control whether another child is kind. What they can hold onto is who they are while it happens. When someone is sour, the pull is to hand the sourness on to the next person. The braver, calmer thing is to let it stop with you. That’s The Sour Loaf, a Stoic Sprout story about staying kind when someone else is having a mean day.
None of this means a child should accept being hurt. Real cruelty and bullying need an adult to step in. This is about the small daily unkindnesses, and the quiet strength of not passing them on.
The story for this
The Sour Loaf
“Don't borrow the sour.”
A baker has a sour morning, but the sourness does not have to spread. A story about staying kind when someone else is having a bad day.
Hear the story → Mark made Stoic Sprout as a dad in Melbourne, for his own young children, with calm stories drawn from the real Stoic philosophers. More about Mark →
Small stories for big feelings.
Calm tales from the real Stoic philosophers, with a phrase your child can keep. A few are free to try.