How to help your child cope when plans change

The beach day gets rained off, or the playdate is cancelled, or the party is moved to next week. For a child who has been looking forward to something for days, a change of plan can feel like the floor tipping under them. Most of us grown-ups learned slowly that plans bend, and children are still learning it, usually one disappointment at a time.

What to say in the moment

• Let the disappointment land: “You were so excited about the beach. This is really disappointing.” Rushing to the bright side before the feeling has been heard tells a child their sadness is a problem to be fixed.
• Find the part that’s still yours: “We can’t go to the beach today. What can we still do?” When your words move from what’s lost to what’s left, a child’s attention tends to follow.
• Make a small new plan together: let them choose where the indoor picnic goes, or which game comes first. When the big plan has fallen through, having a say in the small things gives back some control.

The idea underneath

Seneca, writing to his friend Serenus about peace of mind, suggested a habit of speech. Make your plans, he said, but say them with a quiet “unless” attached.

Sailors in Seneca’s day knew the weather had the final say. Saying “unless something happens” made room, ahead of time, for the day to go another way. We can give children the same habit without dampening their excitement: “On Saturday we’re going to the beach, if the weather’s kind.” Then when the rain comes, nobody has broken a promise, because the day has gone the other way you already mentioned. And there is usually still something good in a rained-off day. That’s The Rainy Picnic, a Stoic Sprout story about finding the part that’s still ours when plans go sideways.

What to avoid

• Promising for certain. “We’re definitely going, I promise” sets up a fall if the weather or a temperature has other ideas.
• Brushing it off. “It’s only a picnic” might be how it looks to us, but to your child it was the thing they’d been waiting for, and the disappointment is as big as the looking forward was.

Mark Fitzgerald · Founder of Stoic Sprout

Mark made Stoic Sprout as a dad in Melbourne, for his own young children, with calm stories drawn from the real Stoic philosophers. More about Mark →

Stoic Sprout builds calm and character. It isn't therapy or medical advice. If your child is struggling in a way that worries you, please talk to your GP or another professional.