The dichotomy of control, explained for kids

There’s one idea at the very heart of Stoicism, and it’s simple enough for a four-year-old to start using. The Greek teacher Epictetus opened his little handbook with it, and everything else the Stoics taught grows out of it.

What’s on each side of the line

Some things are ours: what we try, how hard we try, the words we choose, how we treat people, how we respond when things go wrong. Other things aren’t: the weather, whether we win, what other people do, what has already happened. A great deal of a child’s frustration comes from pouring their whole heart into the second list, the part they can’t move.

How to teach it, gently

• Sort it out loud together: when something goes wrong, ask “is this a can-change or a can’t-change?” It’s a game a child can learn, and it does the sorting for them.
• Point the energy at their side: “We can’t make it stop raining. We can decide what to do inside.” Naming the part that’s still theirs hands a child back a little power.
• Let the other side go: some things just have to be allowed to be. Learning to spend no energy on the unchangeable is a lifelong relief, and it starts small.

Why it matters so much

A child who can tell the two apart worries less and recovers faster. They stop fighting the rain and start choosing what to do about the afternoon. That single sorting is the seed under The Rainy Picnic and, honestly, under every other Stoic Sprout story. It’s the first thing the Stoics taught, and two thousand years on, it’s still one of the most useful things you can hand a child.

Mark Fitzgerald · Founder of Stoic Sprout

Mark made Stoic Sprout as a dad in Melbourne, for his own young children, with calm stories drawn from the real Stoic philosophers. More about Mark →

Stoic Sprout builds calm and character. It isn't therapy or medical advice. If your child is struggling in a way that worries you, please talk to your GP or another professional.