Marcus Aurelius

Marcus Aurelius ruled Rome at the height of its power, which makes the surprising thing about him easy to miss. At night, and on campaign at the edge of the empire, the most powerful man alive wrote short notes to himself about how to stay patient and calm. He never meant anyone to read them. We call that notebook the Meditations, and it has lasted almost two thousand years. People still read it because it feels like watching someone work at being good, rather than reading a lecture about it.

That’s what makes him a good place to start with children. He wasn’t performing wisdom for anyone. These were reminders about things that are hard to do: to keep his temper, and to get up and do the day’s work even when he didn’t feel like it.

Answer unkindness by not copying it

When someone was unfair to him, Marcus had a rule he kept repeating to himself.

In his own words

The best way of avenging thyself is not to become like the wrongdoer.

For a child, this is one of the most useful ideas he offers. When a friend is mean, the strong move is to stay the kind of person you want to be, rather than to be mean back. You don’t let someone else’s bad moment decide what kind of day you have.

You can carry a quiet place inside you

Marcus couldn’t escape his troubles; an emperor’s problems follow him everywhere. So he practised finding calm somewhere it couldn’t be taken away.

In his own words

Nowhere either with more quiet or more freedom from trouble does a man retire than into his own soul.

A child can learn this too, in a small way: that when the room is loud or the day has gone wrong, there’s a calm place they can step into by taking a breath and remembering one steady thought. It’s the whole idea behind keeping a calming phrase close.

Your thoughts shape you

Marcus noticed that what we think about, over and over, is what we slowly become.

In his own words

Such as are thy habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of thy mind; for the soul is dyed by the thoughts.

Said gently to a child, it’s this: the things you tell yourself matter. “I can’t do this, I’m no good at it” is a dye, and so is “this is hard, and I’ll try again.” Neither is the whole truth in the moment, but one of them helps.

None of this asks a child to hide what they feel. Marcus felt tired and low like anyone else. He wasn’t trying to have no feelings. Once a feeling had been heard, he wanted to choose what came next.